Common denominator

My emotions may be volatile….but at least I don’t try so hard to hide them. I’ve always been honest, even if it meant seeming like a “crazy bitch”.

You’re not better than me just because you hide it better behind humor—crack a bunch of jokes, talking about things but not really talking about anything.

I feel sorry for you.

On the surface, you seem to be leading a great life, but you’re so broken…go ahead and fill that void with alcohol, drugs, girls, or whatever. 

Go ahead and believe that it will be different with the next girl, that maybe she’ll cure your sickness and make you feel fulfilled. If you’re lucky, maybe she’ll have a low enough self-esteem to stay with you even longer than I did and put up with all the shit you put her through.

The thing is the common denominator isn’t whichever girl you decide to put on a pedestal for some brief amount of time.

The common denominator is you.

Catalyst

You can be strong every day....until that one moment brings it all down.

I just witnessed a crazy domestic situation with a friend of mine. I'll probably go into detail about it later, but I got really emotional. So much has happened in a short amount of time. I just wanted relaxation and stability, but I did not quite get that here.

You know what sucks? Even after all he put me through, a part of me wants to call or text him to tell him what happened. Not to get back together with him, of course, but it's out of habit.

I did care about him. I shared almost 3 years of my life with him. I have been good about not seeing him on social media and not texting him unless it's about the logistics regarding my stuff. But I know that space is what I need the most right now. Going through this breakup is like "2 steps forward, 1 step back".

I have been very grateful for my friends though. And I just have to accept that there was a little good in him that I saw in the beginning...because otherwise, why would I have dated him in the first place? We are no longer good for each other. I have outgrown him. Not saying that we could be friends in the future, but I do need to get to a point where I am less sad and angry. I have been making progress in that, but sometimes I do miss him or want to kill him (or both). It is out of habit; when you share so much of your life with someone (and it doesn't really matter for how much amount of time), it's a hard habit to not talk to them about these things anymore. There's a small void that is no longer filled with them. I can feel that void being filled little by little, but sometimes all it takes is a catalyst like what took place tonight to make you face the fact that that void is still there.

I just have to remind myself that he is not that person for me anymore. He cannot be the first person I turn to when I have good news or bad news.

You can't have a relationship without any arguments

We had a few arguments. We didn't typically argue, which was fine...I didn't want a dramatic, tumultuous relationship anyway.

However, it does say something when you argue, and nothing gets fixed.

I always initiated the conversation when I had concerns. He never did. Even when he agreed with me that there was a problem, he only said something AFTER I brought it up.

He acted like a child. He always wanted things to be his way, or he would give in...or rather give up. Like he would let me have the last word, but he didn't agree to work on the problem with me. It wasn't healthy. There were hardly ever any resolutions to our arguments, we just waited it out for the emotions to die down and then continued about our daily lives until it comes up again. Granted, some things don't have a simple solution, and you have to revisit those things later. However, nothing ever felt resolved.

I guess it would have ended anyway even without the cheating, especially if he was unwilling to change, unwilling to go to couples therapy or something like that.

You can't have a relationship without honesty and communication, and sometimes, arguments are a part of that.

Ironically, he has told me on several occasions that we had a healthy relationship. No, in retrospect, it wasn't that healthy.

"I still care about you"

Why is it necessary for an ex to say that to you?

It doesn't make the other person feel better. It's completely self-serving.

You "care" about me? Why did you hurt me in the first place? You "care" about me, but you don't love me anymore...oh that's great to hear, too! It's completely unnecessary. You think you're letting someone down easy, but no, those words don't help. They don't give any type of closure.

What's worse is that I did not even ask for anything like that. I was talking logistics about my stuff at his place.

And then I was talking to a friend and realized that he clung onto the relationship, because he was too afraid to let go, too afraid of changes. Sometimes I question if I did that? There's something about hearing it from another person, it makes it more real. I thought to myself that the relationship was probably past its expiration date, and we shouldn't have done long distance. I guess I wasn't ready to let go either. And then I just let that painful realization sit in my chest for awhile.

It hurts, but I have to let go.

There's no love here for me anymore. I should not settle for second rate love. I deserve better.

I can't wait to have him completely out of my life.

Cheating

Why is it so common? It's incredibly disheartening to know that so many people cheat, and the bottom line is, everyone is capable of it.

It's cowardly. It's selfish. It not only affects the current relationship, but any future relationship the victim will have from now on.

I am currently going through a breakup due to cheating myself. I am usually angry, but there are times when I get really sad. I spent almost 3 years with this person. There's just so much history there. I don't feel comfortable crying in front of people or talking about how sad I am. I try not to indulge in these memories. I just acknowledge them as they come, and then let go...telling myself that it does not matter anymore. I just want peace.

I don't know if I could ever "forgive" him. I know I can get to a point where I won't care anymore though. Like if he became successful or if he dropped dead the next day....I could get to a point where I wouldn't really care. I have had falling outs with friends before. I never forgave them exactly, but I cut them out of my life pretty effectively. That means facebook is blocked, phone number is blocked. I don't ask about them or bring them up in conversations, "I wonder how so-and-so is doing?" No. I don't keep toxic people in my life.

A thought came to me while I was in class today...I miss being able to cuddle up next to someone.

But then I quickly told myself that it is better to sleep alone than to sleep next to someone who only pretends to care about you or would hide something behind your back. I will take the (sometimes painful) truth over the facade any day. Near the end of our relationship, I felt suffocated at times. I experienced anxiety that I dismissed as me being irrational. But my intuition was telling me something. I would sneak out into the guest bedroom to sleep some nights. I needed the space away from him. Something was wrong, and I did not know what it was at that point.

If there's anything I learned, your partner should never avoid conversations when you are voicing your concerns. They should never be rude or dismiss you. They should definitely never cheat on you! Even when he felt something was wrong, he was so passive about it. He would wait for me to bring it up, and then say that he has been feeling the same way for awhile. My friend told me that it's just a "guy thing". Well, let's not make so many excuses for guys, okay? Men are just as capable of talking just as women. I don't have time for guys who are socialized to not talk about their emotions. That's just not what I want from a partner. I need honesty. I need communication. That is the KEY to having a good relationship. I don't think that is a ridiculous standard to hold men to at all.

The end is also a new beginning

I used to blog elsewhere, but I decided I needed a new, fresh space.

It's funny. Every so often, I switch to a new blogging website. I remember I started off with a xanga, then went onto livejournal, then went onto tumblr.

I usually look back and then delete all of the embarrassing things that I posted.

I am ready to start a new journey. There are some new journeys that you intentionally start, and then there are others that are just thrown in front of you. In either case, you just have to make the best of it

It saddens me that I will only be in the Bay Area for another month and a half. However, sacrifices need to be made. I have to move back home, since it is the practical and more affordable option.

Here's hoping that I get into grad school soon, so that I don't have to live with my parents for too long. I spent 8 years living on my own, working different jobs and taking classes. I am so used to being independent and doing everything on my own schedule.

In the meantime, I am driving for Uber part-time for a bit of income and taking a full course load of science classes at community college. It is busy and stressful to say the least.

Well, you never know how strong you are until you are left with no choice but to be strong.

So here's to persevering.