Catalyst

You can be strong every day....until that one moment brings it all down.

I just witnessed a crazy domestic situation with a friend of mine. I'll probably go into detail about it later, but I got really emotional. So much has happened in a short amount of time. I just wanted relaxation and stability, but I did not quite get that here.

You know what sucks? Even after all he put me through, a part of me wants to call or text him to tell him what happened. Not to get back together with him, of course, but it's out of habit.

I did care about him. I shared almost 3 years of my life with him. I have been good about not seeing him on social media and not texting him unless it's about the logistics regarding my stuff. But I know that space is what I need the most right now. Going through this breakup is like "2 steps forward, 1 step back".

I have been very grateful for my friends though. And I just have to accept that there was a little good in him that I saw in the beginning...because otherwise, why would I have dated him in the first place? We are no longer good for each other. I have outgrown him. Not saying that we could be friends in the future, but I do need to get to a point where I am less sad and angry. I have been making progress in that, but sometimes I do miss him or want to kill him (or both). It is out of habit; when you share so much of your life with someone (and it doesn't really matter for how much amount of time), it's a hard habit to not talk to them about these things anymore. There's a small void that is no longer filled with them. I can feel that void being filled little by little, but sometimes all it takes is a catalyst like what took place tonight to make you face the fact that that void is still there.

I just have to remind myself that he is not that person for me anymore. He cannot be the first person I turn to when I have good news or bad news.