Common denominator

My emotions may be volatile….but at least I don’t try so hard to hide them. I’ve always been honest, even if it meant seeming like a “crazy bitch”.

You’re not better than me just because you hide it better behind humor—crack a bunch of jokes, talking about things but not really talking about anything.

I feel sorry for you.

On the surface, you seem to be leading a great life, but you’re so broken…go ahead and fill that void with alcohol, drugs, girls, or whatever. 

Go ahead and believe that it will be different with the next girl, that maybe she’ll cure your sickness and make you feel fulfilled. If you’re lucky, maybe she’ll have a low enough self-esteem to stay with you even longer than I did and put up with all the shit you put her through.

The thing is the common denominator isn’t whichever girl you decide to put on a pedestal for some brief amount of time.

The common denominator is you.

Catalyst

You can be strong every day....until that one moment brings it all down.

I just witnessed a crazy domestic situation with a friend of mine. I'll probably go into detail about it later, but I got really emotional. So much has happened in a short amount of time. I just wanted relaxation and stability, but I did not quite get that here.

You know what sucks? Even after all he put me through, a part of me wants to call or text him to tell him what happened. Not to get back together with him, of course, but it's out of habit.

I did care about him. I shared almost 3 years of my life with him. I have been good about not seeing him on social media and not texting him unless it's about the logistics regarding my stuff. But I know that space is what I need the most right now. Going through this breakup is like "2 steps forward, 1 step back".

I have been very grateful for my friends though. And I just have to accept that there was a little good in him that I saw in the beginning...because otherwise, why would I have dated him in the first place? We are no longer good for each other. I have outgrown him. Not saying that we could be friends in the future, but I do need to get to a point where I am less sad and angry. I have been making progress in that, but sometimes I do miss him or want to kill him (or both). It is out of habit; when you share so much of your life with someone (and it doesn't really matter for how much amount of time), it's a hard habit to not talk to them about these things anymore. There's a small void that is no longer filled with them. I can feel that void being filled little by little, but sometimes all it takes is a catalyst like what took place tonight to make you face the fact that that void is still there.

I just have to remind myself that he is not that person for me anymore. He cannot be the first person I turn to when I have good news or bad news.

You can't have a relationship without any arguments

We had a few arguments. We didn't typically argue, which was fine...I didn't want a dramatic, tumultuous relationship anyway.

However, it does say something when you argue, and nothing gets fixed.

I always initiated the conversation when I had concerns. He never did. Even when he agreed with me that there was a problem, he only said something AFTER I brought it up.

He acted like a child. He always wanted things to be his way, or he would give in...or rather give up. Like he would let me have the last word, but he didn't agree to work on the problem with me. It wasn't healthy. There were hardly ever any resolutions to our arguments, we just waited it out for the emotions to die down and then continued about our daily lives until it comes up again. Granted, some things don't have a simple solution, and you have to revisit those things later. However, nothing ever felt resolved.

I guess it would have ended anyway even without the cheating, especially if he was unwilling to change, unwilling to go to couples therapy or something like that.

You can't have a relationship without honesty and communication, and sometimes, arguments are a part of that.

Ironically, he has told me on several occasions that we had a healthy relationship. No, in retrospect, it wasn't that healthy.