"I still care about you"

Why is it necessary for an ex to say that to you?

It doesn't make the other person feel better. It's completely self-serving.

You "care" about me? Why did you hurt me in the first place? You "care" about me, but you don't love me anymore...oh that's great to hear, too! It's completely unnecessary. You think you're letting someone down easy, but no, those words don't help. They don't give any type of closure.

What's worse is that I did not even ask for anything like that. I was talking logistics about my stuff at his place.

And then I was talking to a friend and realized that he clung onto the relationship, because he was too afraid to let go, too afraid of changes. Sometimes I question if I did that? There's something about hearing it from another person, it makes it more real. I thought to myself that the relationship was probably past its expiration date, and we shouldn't have done long distance. I guess I wasn't ready to let go either. And then I just let that painful realization sit in my chest for awhile.

It hurts, but I have to let go.

There's no love here for me anymore. I should not settle for second rate love. I deserve better.

I can't wait to have him completely out of my life.

Cheating

Why is it so common? It's incredibly disheartening to know that so many people cheat, and the bottom line is, everyone is capable of it.

It's cowardly. It's selfish. It not only affects the current relationship, but any future relationship the victim will have from now on.

I am currently going through a breakup due to cheating myself. I am usually angry, but there are times when I get really sad. I spent almost 3 years with this person. There's just so much history there. I don't feel comfortable crying in front of people or talking about how sad I am. I try not to indulge in these memories. I just acknowledge them as they come, and then let go...telling myself that it does not matter anymore. I just want peace.

I don't know if I could ever "forgive" him. I know I can get to a point where I won't care anymore though. Like if he became successful or if he dropped dead the next day....I could get to a point where I wouldn't really care. I have had falling outs with friends before. I never forgave them exactly, but I cut them out of my life pretty effectively. That means facebook is blocked, phone number is blocked. I don't ask about them or bring them up in conversations, "I wonder how so-and-so is doing?" No. I don't keep toxic people in my life.

A thought came to me while I was in class today...I miss being able to cuddle up next to someone.

But then I quickly told myself that it is better to sleep alone than to sleep next to someone who only pretends to care about you or would hide something behind your back. I will take the (sometimes painful) truth over the facade any day. Near the end of our relationship, I felt suffocated at times. I experienced anxiety that I dismissed as me being irrational. But my intuition was telling me something. I would sneak out into the guest bedroom to sleep some nights. I needed the space away from him. Something was wrong, and I did not know what it was at that point.

If there's anything I learned, your partner should never avoid conversations when you are voicing your concerns. They should never be rude or dismiss you. They should definitely never cheat on you! Even when he felt something was wrong, he was so passive about it. He would wait for me to bring it up, and then say that he has been feeling the same way for awhile. My friend told me that it's just a "guy thing". Well, let's not make so many excuses for guys, okay? Men are just as capable of talking just as women. I don't have time for guys who are socialized to not talk about their emotions. That's just not what I want from a partner. I need honesty. I need communication. That is the KEY to having a good relationship. I don't think that is a ridiculous standard to hold men to at all.

The end is also a new beginning

I used to blog elsewhere, but I decided I needed a new, fresh space.

It's funny. Every so often, I switch to a new blogging website. I remember I started off with a xanga, then went onto livejournal, then went onto tumblr.

I usually look back and then delete all of the embarrassing things that I posted.

I am ready to start a new journey. There are some new journeys that you intentionally start, and then there are others that are just thrown in front of you. In either case, you just have to make the best of it

It saddens me that I will only be in the Bay Area for another month and a half. However, sacrifices need to be made. I have to move back home, since it is the practical and more affordable option.

Here's hoping that I get into grad school soon, so that I don't have to live with my parents for too long. I spent 8 years living on my own, working different jobs and taking classes. I am so used to being independent and doing everything on my own schedule.

In the meantime, I am driving for Uber part-time for a bit of income and taking a full course load of science classes at community college. It is busy and stressful to say the least.

Well, you never know how strong you are until you are left with no choice but to be strong.

So here's to persevering.